I’m not sure why I even noticed it—a lonely bit of clipless pedal that had evidently shit the bed and exploded—now hanging off a broken fir branch. One minute I was pedaling up the trail, the next I was staring, transfixed at the thing. How had it gotten there in the first place? Who left it there? What was the story?
The track I’d just ridden up bobbed and weaved for a solid couple of miles, a muddy ribbon of little rollers, rocks and roots, and tight corner after tight corner. Maybe some skinny goat of an XC racer was hell bent on notching another Strava KOM.
There you were, Mystery Rider, out of the saddle, heart pounding, lungs, and legs on fire, but this time, this time, you are absolutely crushing that personal best. After months of training, victory is in sight. And let’s pause to savor this moment because it’s not just about seeing your name glowing atop Strava’s scoreboard. Okay, maybe it totally is that, but it’s something more as well because you gave up gluten to get to this moment.
I mean, right from the get-go, you
knew gluten and dairy were the enemy. It’s all about that power to weight ratio and let’s be honest, your ratio has kind of sucked since way, way back when people were doing the Macarena at weddings. Forever ago. So you started the diet. But here’s what none of those stringy Vegan Defender types tells you: Gluten and dairy are what actually make food palatable.
And did you know there’s dairy in French fries? What the @#!$? It’s a friggin’ potato for chrissakes! But, according to the waitress, there’s something in that magic coating they put on the damn things, so no more French fries for you. Ever. Hell, you understood that bagels were walking out the door of your life, and you could accept that, but French fries too? Now, it’s just a lonely grass-fed patty and some wilted lettuce staring forlornly up at you from your plate because
obviously hamburger buns have become Gluten Enemy Number One in your quest to finally get truly, one hundred percent, fast as hell.
And you don’t even have to mention all those stupid, painful f*cking intervals. You actually went out and bought a road bike. A road bike! Just so you could get fast on the dirt. There’s a bitter irony there you don't even want to explore. For months now, it’s just been you, a power meter and two skinny tires. Go fast. Go slow. Go fast. Go slow. Now, feel like dying. Now feel like you never want to touch a bicycle again. Annnnd repeat…. one hundred times. Does it get shittier than intervals? It does not. But you know, if suffering through intervals on a road bike is good enough for Aaron Gwin or those Atherton cyborgs…
Oh, wait, it actually
does get worse than intervals. You’re crystal clear about this fact because you’ve been pushing that stupid effing tractor tire around the floor of the local CrossFit gym. If there was anything that screamed “
I am willing to sell my soul to break the will of other riders” it’s the act of joining the limping, broken army of CrossFit fanatics as they jump up and down, rupture all the discs in their backs and give each other big, sweaty hugs because they just finished doing that particular workout that always makes everybody puke on one another, and this time half of you didn’t yack a rainbow all over the gym. Yay!
But, hey, you can’t argue with those CrossFit results. You’ve dropped a couple waist sizes and you’ve got that fashionably ropey and starved looking going now and, man, do you know how to suffer now. This trail and this record? They are officially your prison bitches today. Yep, it’s finally all coming together in this one moment. You are soooo close to the end of the trail. Just another quarter mile to go. You can practically taste it now. So. Damn. Close. Just a couple more corners, a couple straights, that berm up ahead and—BANG.
What the hell? What the goddamn…? You’re sprawled sideways on the trail, glossy with sweat, vision sorta blurry, breath coming ragged and you are looking at the guts of your clipless pedal, strewn about in the mud, decorating the ferns… A handful of little springs, bushings, and bearings that spell out a message from your clipless pedal: “
You are not getting that KOM today. Sorry. I died.”
Or maybe that’s not the story at all. Maybe the Mystery Rider was someone else entirely. Maybe they were coming down the trail, sailing through that berm, outside foot planted low, torso corkscrewed just so, head craned and staring at the exit—just dominating the downhill when that pedal they’ve been nursing along through season after season of road trips and bike parks and flat landings, finally took its fatal one-millionth cycle and gave up the ghost...POP!
I nudge the broken bit of pedal with my finger before climbing back on my bike and heading up the trail.
Or maybe the Mystery Rider was this family man—this guy who busted out the old Cannondale Super V after God knows how many seasons in storage. The kids are old enough to watch themselves and he’s finally back on the mountain following all those years of hiding the steak knives, diapering kids who seem too old to still be using diapers and picking up broken bits of Barbie dolls from the family room floor. I can see it now, it’s his first ride back and he’s churning lumpy circles up the trail…
I crank my own bike up to speed. It’s time for my own story to unfold.
MENTIONS:
@vernonfelton
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Nice ramblings, made me smile!
Do you need to just some pseudo cult, flip tractor tires, or run through the local strip mail with kettle bells in each hand to do it? (And inform everyone via social media that you have joined said fad.)
No, no you don't.
but smiling and enjoying does mean happiness!
However problems in my area started before strava came along, there were a dozen of DH tracks concentrated on a hill very close to where I live and in time they got straightened by losers who can't take their bike around a turn. Bushes were cut, branches were cut.
Last time I walked my favorite trail to look at the corners to see how could I cut some time, I spotted a possibility for a cuttie but the blue berry bushes seemed unscathed. I put my both hands in and spread them apart - there was a clear sign of broken wigs along the straight line, so the process has already started.
Strava is a clear culprit for being an incentive for such actions, but what can we do? Lately I learned a thing or two about the way I suck, thanks to it but I will never cheat by fking up trails to get a better time. I'm not after a KOM, I'm after understanding some of my deficiencies in skill and fitness. But I can't do anything about wankers who want to get into top 20. I'm sure non of top guys in my area would go to such extents, they don't need to. I won't get on some ideological high horse and say some lunacy like: Strava is for corner cutters, hence I don't want to have anything to do with it. Some small group of lowlives will always find a way to mess it up for everybody
At the risk of sounding elitist, I can't help but to find it is extremely sad that people will skip on bagel and french fries, spend so much time in a gym, buy a road bike, a 650b/29er and then build a bypass to avoid learning how to climb over two roots and a rock. Don't you have any pride? Do you even mountain bike?
I've walked tons of features and will continue to have to... but if I brought the bike out it's not cuz I wanted to go for a hike. If I can stay on the bike without wrecking the trail for everyone else I'll gladly do it. For all you know the guy taking the go-around is working on his techy skills but he'd just rather stay on the bike and keep riding.
Apparently decent sized log overs are not favored by trail runners or people walking their 15 year old dogs (unfortunately this is not a joke).
The rule around here on state park land is if you want the feature to stay, make an easy alternate to go around it...or it will get cleared.
@ReformedRoadie @bkm303 Bypass are cool. You shouldn't have to get injured because your skill level isn't up to par for a trail section. That would defeat the purpose. I'm not advocating to force people to do massive drops or river gaps. What I'm talking about is mostly low speed minor feature technical climbs that are really not that hard and have next to no consequences, yet people prefere cutting into the woods than giving it a shot. Stuff like 3-5" high roots/rocks that people ride around, not sketchy skinnies way up in the trees.
KOM means: Knowingly Omitting Menstruation
The people who play strava and are even concerned with KOM remind me of people who play golf and fudge their score, even if playing alone, what is the point? I thought the point was to have fun.
BTW does anyone know the cheat codes for strava? I heard there was an app that you can hack strava and choose your times for the segments you ride.
It was so deep I found oil. I felt unity wth the universe when writing that, the geology, the dynamics of bilogy of the forest, You see Strava brought me to it. Mountain Biking is just a stupid hobby. You make it what it is for yourself, not for anyone else. A trail builder who finds Strava ruining his work is dangerous, because if he gets sucked into some ideological dispute, he's going to start killing people. Because peple will eventually f*ck up his trail, his vision of what his creation was meant to be. Get on a rocket and fly to another planet when there is no one around.
What can I say I am prolly just bitter cause I always get pwned when I ride.
Strava gave me in two weeks what racing could, but in at least few years of frequent racing time.
Is there any chance I am synthesizing drugs in my head, I use only insomnia, snus and coffee...
So how did you enjoy it Jeff? New quality in commenting or just typical poop?
We still eat bread, cake, noodles, etc, but it is all made without wheat flour. Rice flour, oat flour, etc. Luckily she's an excellent cook!
Next your going to tell me beer is bad for me!
Ignorence is bliss.
Now get on your bike and ride.
Btw if you pay attention . Almost every trail on the north shore has tree ornaments from bike mishaps.
derailluers being the common hanging artifact.
The beginning of what was possibly the funniest diatribe on crossfit ever.
And then we all complain why the authorities want to shut down trails / introduce penalties / restrictions.... :/
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