2016 Intense M16 Palmer Downhill Mountain Bike

In this world, there are many uncertainties, but 2016 solidified a few items for us. First, memes are everything. Second, America cares more about a killed gorilla than it does about our President (#neverforget). And third, this downhill mountain bike has a staunch history of making all of your wildest dream come true. Will it cure cancer? Yes. Can it bring back quality lead-based toys from the 90’s? Of course.

Now, it’s understandable that you may have some more questions like:

1. Can this downhill bike be used in other directions, for example, uphill?
Absolutely, this bike features a patented unidirectional output which allows it to not only crush downward but in upward and sideways directions as well.

2. On any given ride, how likely are the chances of “killing it” to be expected?
The M16 Palmer has a deep-rooted history of killing it since the early 1990’s. There have even been speculations that the Wright brothers used a version of this bike in their invention of the airplane. If taking part in the magic of flying isn’t killing it, I don’t know what is.

3. What level of rider is this bike designed for?
The Palmy can be used and is used by all types of riders. From the first-time rider looking to pop their cherry to the 90-year-old war veteran I saw crush Red Bull Hardline this year, and everyone in between.

4. How well does this bike handle mountain boners?
We’ve all been there. You’re cruising through the trees when you come across an epic line that gets the heart pumping and boom, mountain boner. This well-documented and highly scientific event causes your flesh fork to thank the Mountain Gods in a standing ovation. However, with this bike, the frame geometry allows you to ride out that ecstasy for as long as you want. Similar to whiskey dick.

5. How do we solve the alarming Bee Epidemic?
Not too sure why you are asking this. But first of all, there are really two issues at hand: 1) We need more beekeepers and 2) certain pesticides kill bees. So we need to give incentives to farmers who don't use pesticides and who open a bee farm on their land. If I was a seed company, I would want to make sure my customers, the farms, stay in business and flourish, so it's in my best interest to give seed discounts to farms who host bee farms on the side. Email me for further discussion.

Okay, now that we’ve taken care of the questions, let’s dive into the specs. And I’m going to approach this with the same strategy of that of a young 16-year-old boy losing his virginity and doesn’t know what he’s doing, I’m going to start at the top and just work my way down.

Handlebars: DEITY DC31 MOHAWK. There are two key words in that title; Deity and Mohawk. One means God and the other is a haircut only few can handle. Does this mean it’s a Mohawk God? You bet your sweet ass it does. Wait, so does that mean it’s Mr. T from the A-Team?

Stem: DEITY LOCUST DIRECT MOUNT 50-55 MM. DMs used to stand for Direct Mounts until the damn millennials took it.
Saddle: FABRIC SCOOP RADIUS PRO. This saddle will treat your boys like fabric softener and scoop them up ever so gently, and also be radial, and also be pro…

Frame: American AF and that Abraham Lincoln riding a bald eagle shooting Nazi’s kind of American. But also a M16 275 Hydroformed Alloy Front and Rear Triangle 275” DH Frameset, ISCG 05 Mount, w/ 157 x12 mm spacing, 215 -240 mm travel

Fork: FOX FACTORY 40 FLOAT, 27.5", 200 mm. Foxes are small-to-medium-sized, omnivorous mammals belonging to several genera of the family Canidae.

Shock: FOX FACTORY COIL DHX2. See above, this one is just coiled up instead of air blasting.

Crank: E13 LG1R Carbon DH, 36T. This crank is like the movie Crank with Jason Statham, it just doesn’t die no matter how many Asians you throw at it.

Pedals: DEITY TMACS. There’s that Deity word again, no need for another vocab lesson.

Brakeset: MAGURA MT7 DISC BRAKE, 203 MM ROTOR, FRONT AND REAR. You will never use these unless you pour milk in the bowl before your cereal, meaning unless you’re a bitch.

Wheels: DT SWISS FR 1950 CLASSIC 27.5. They aren’t spinners, but they work just fine.

Tires: MAXXIS MINION, 27.5 X 2.5". Maxxis has two X’s in it to clearly identify the level of extreme they are. Two X’s is above average, three X’s means you’re Vin Diesel, but also means porn, both equally very extreme.

To see the full list of specifications, visit http://www.intensecycles.com/bikes/m16-palmer or just trust me when I say this bike rocks and stop second guessing yourself.

I could go on, but I won’t. You’ve read too much today and I can sense your brain is hurting. So is mine. Let’s call it a day. We both know you’re going to buy this bike just like we know Taylor Swift’s next album is going to be epic after all these breakups.

So why postpone the inevitable? Message me if you have any questions, if you’re interested, and of course, to talk about bees.